Normal? What’s normal….

So things seem to have been going well over the last few weeks. I haven’t really been thinking about eating, my body, my weight most of the time. Of course I have occasional moments of panic: it’s funny how I can feel that I look and feel ok one day and then the next the self-doubt reappears and I am convinced I am on the fast road to becoming a whale! Just catching a glimpse of myself in a shop window or looking at myself in a mirror can have all those negative thoughts circulating again. I get fed up with them, but they are still lurking in the wings, waiting to catch me in a moment of insecurity, filling my brain with their toxic messages. Sometimes I find it hard to fight back, readjust my thinking and get back on the road I want to be on. It takes time.

But that’s all an aside: what I have been considering is what is “normal” eating. Take today, for example, a stressful morning: a long difficult drive to a meeting only to find the other person didn’t show up. I know that happens sometimes but I have been feeling really positive lately (if that doesn’t contradict what I wrote before?), especially about my work so I felt a bit of a dip. When I got home I made coffee and thought that I fancied a bit of chocolate, I knew I didn’t want a lot, but I had a long mental conversation about whether I really wanted chocolate or was I comforting my disappointment? Eventually I decided I did just fancy eating something sweet that had nothing to do with crushing my feelings, I broke a bit off a bar of chocolate, ate that slowly, enjoyed it and didn’t feel that I had to go back for the rest of the bar. Is that what normal people do (probably without the irritating internal dialogue)? Am I starting to be normal?

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Thinking about it

I haven’t written for a little while because I’ve been trying not to think about things and, of course, writing about something is the most thinking about a thing you can do. Except it can help me organise my thoughts, re-group, focus my intentions again so today it is right for me to write again.

Things are going ok: I still haven’t weighed myself and I’m getting much better at telling those horrible negative voices in my head to shut up, that I’m fine the way I am, I’m not going to wake up tomorrow the size of a house and not be able to fit into my clothes. I suppose I am going “with the flow” though I don’t really like that expression. Another expression I don’t like is “it is what it is” which seems to mean very little but that’s an aside.

At the moment it all feels manageable, I feel able to push this into the corners of my mind and come out fighting when I need to. I am not dwelling, ruminating on it, observing what I am eating without censure (well not too much). In short I am trying to live a normal life. It feels like another step forward but as I have written before I am hesitant to take anything for granted, to think I am on the right road, as when I have done this before I have found myself back at the beginning or even further back than that.

Today I look good and feel good: a favourite song came on the radio and I sang (very loudly and very badly – I’m just being honest when I say I have a dreadful voice)and danced. Today feels ok, hopefully tomorrow will too.