Another step

I’m sure I’ve said before how frustrating I find this process: understanding what I need to do, trying to do it but having to wait so long for results. I want to change my thinking and I know I have to do that slowly, in baby steps, not rushing anything, but I want to get to the end. I want my thinking to be different, my mind to be different, I suppose I want me to be different and, being really honest (and what has really only occurred to me while sitting writing this) I don’t want to put in all the hard work. That’s a bit strange, as I was always a champion dieter: once I decided on a plan I stuck with it, losing weight faster than most of my friends, following the rules religiously. This feels different: there aren’t any rules, I have to trust myself not follow someone else’s plan. It’s hard for me.

Often I feel blown off my course: I can wake up feeling positive and then decide I’m letting myself go (for no other reason than I look at myself differently) and then I seem to go into a decline. I have to keep fighting those voices in my head, those negative irritating voices that tell me how awful I am, how I should be slimmer, basically how my whole existence and its meaning is dependent upon my dress size! Sounds ridiculous when I write it down.

So I am going to keep working, I am going to keep telling those voices to shut up, I am going to keep trusting myself. This is just one more step forward.

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Deep breath

After a bit of a wobble I am feeling more positive today. I’m doing something new and that is bound to feel strange, it will take me a while to get used to this way of thinking, and most important of all start to accept myself the way I am. If my weight settles at a higher level than I would like am I going to spend the rest of my life thinking about it, contemplating everything I eat, being tempted by the scales and thinking about going back to dieting? NO! I don’t want to do that so I have to live with the doubt, the nerves,the newness of it all. It’s just very hard, especially when I don’t know where I will end up.

So my latest thought is to distract myself, to think about something else, make sure I am busy and happy and then food/weight won’t matter so much. I don’t need to think about what I weigh, what I look like, what I am eating, what I am allowed etc anymore. If I am really honest my biggest fear is getting fat and people noticing but not saying anything about it. What does that say about me? Do I want or need to be around people who are even remotely bothered about the size I am? I suppose the bottom line is that I need to accept myself and not worry about other people but not being able to do that is probably what got me here in the first place – sigh!