I am exploring why I got into this situation with food and feel like I am making progress. With most stories it’s not straightforward: I didn’t start at one point and march stridently (and successfully) to another but meandered, taking detours, slipping down occasional snakes, doubting myself before heading forward again. It’s been hard and in many ways I feel so much more positive mentally but feel disappointed that I feel my body is letting me down, ie it hasn’t shrunk. As I am sure I have said many times I have always been a very successful dieter, determined and rigid, while the weight “fell” off and I suppose I feel all the effort, time and thought I have put into this I should have been rewarded by being slimmer by now. That must be part of the old diet thinking and it causes me to doubt, think about going back on the diet treadmill because I don’t want to be old and fat!
All this thinking comes from a sapping experience I had yesterday when I went to buy a new bra and decided to go to a proper shop, not pick one up in a department store. I wanted to be measured by an expert and buy something that flattered and was comfortable – not too much to ask? As part of this experience I had to take off my jumper and wait for the assistant and the room was full, and I mean full, of full-length mirrors. I think I have been fooling myself about what is happening to my body as I strive for diet liberation but the evidence was there in front of me and it was hard to quiet the negative voices that immediately started screaming in my head. I felt like giving up, rushing home to throw out all the “bad” food in my house and go back to a diet, probably not calling it that to fool no-one but myself.
Lying in bed last night I felt pretty down: I was trying SO hard and yet I didn’t like who and what I was. What could I do? I have been learning a lot about CBT lately and decided to use some of those techniques to help so while I was lying there not sleeping I came up with:
W – What am I aiming for? To remind me why I am doing this, to give myself the strength to keep going, be determined
A – Am I really hungry? Ask myself this before eating, maybe I am thirsty or I have looked at the clock and it’s time for dinner regardless of whether I need any food.
I – is it boredom, anger, sadness? Think about how I am feeling and deal with the feelings rather than try to stuff them down this food.
T – Take 10 minutes before eating. If I am not sure I am hungry, have a glass of water and give myself 10 minutes before eating anything just to check.
So for this week I am going to try to WAIT and see what happens. Hopefully it will inspire me to keep going.