I’ve been trying to just get on with things, not focusing on my eating or weight and generally it’s going well. I don’t obsess the way I used to but I still worry that I am not keeping on eye on what I eat and that I shall end up expanding unless I keep monitoring myself. I keep fighting it but habits built up over decades aren’t very easy to get rid of. I can still tell you everything I ate yesterday and the day before but before that? No, so perhaps that’s a sign of me relaxing a bit. The frustration is how long it all takes, and how annoyed I feel with myself when I find myself going back into the circular thoughts: I want to stop thinking about it but by reminding myself to do that I am bringing it all back into my consciousness.
I was thinking this morning that I really had this dream in my head that once I got all this eating, not dieting, stuff sorted out in my head I would emerge like the beautiful swan in fairy stories, shedding off my ugly ducking personna, effortless slim but that hasn’t happened so far and what if it never happens? What if I just meant to be like this, always feeling a bit lumpy, a heavier person than I want to be, can I accept this me as the finished product, embrace this as the real me, can I allow myself to just be as the person, the shape I am now and focus on more important, more interesting things? My son is getting married next year and I want to look and feel good for the photos. I want my focus to be the joy of the occasion, not the size of the outfit I am going to wear, I want it not to matter, I want my smile to be more important than the size of my hips, but I am not sure I am ready to accept that yet.
thisisitdiet 