The shame of it….

We had a lovely family day yesterday: a birthday meal, plenty to eat and drink, lots of laughter, a really lovely day. I went to bed feeling blessed and happy. And then I had a horrible dream: the only bit of it I remember clearly is being told I had put on a lot of weight. I woke up feeling awful, and then sad that this obsession I have with my body, my eating, my weight, could impact on me so strongly and spoil the end of a lovely weekend.

The primary feeling I had was shame or embarassment. Perhaps the idea that I could enjoy a family day without monitoring all I was eating and drinking was too much for my subconscious, perhaps it was trying to inflict my old ways of thinking back on me? I sat and thought about it, remembering I hadn’t actually eaten that much so why were these negative voices so strong? And even if I had eaten more than normal why did it matter that much? We don’t do this every day, every week or even every month so one day wouldn’t have a huge impact. It just all seems so pointless and negative.

I don’t want the focus of my life to be on this, I want food to be simply fuel but it seems like parts of me are fighting back and I hated the feeling of shame, the idea of someone really hitting me where it hurts: the way I look and the way I feel about the way I look. I imagine every mouthful causing my hips to expand and I am fighting this really hard, talking to myself with the kindess I use with other people, but it is still fighting back. I still look at photos of friends from school to see if they are bigger or smaller than me: what a sad way to judge the world and the people in it. I realise the fight has just begun just when I was hoping it was getting nearer the end!

Deep breath

After a bit of a wobble I am feeling more positive today. I’m doing something new and that is bound to feel strange, it will take me a while to get used to this way of thinking, and most important of all start to accept myself the way I am. If my weight settles at a higher level than I would like am I going to spend the rest of my life thinking about it, contemplating everything I eat, being tempted by the scales and thinking about going back to dieting? NO! I don’t want to do that so I have to live with the doubt, the nerves,the newness of it all. It’s just very hard, especially when I don’t know where I will end up.

So my latest thought is to distract myself, to think about something else, make sure I am busy and happy and then food/weight won’t matter so much. I don’t need to think about what I weigh, what I look like, what I am eating, what I am allowed etc anymore. If I am really honest my biggest fear is getting fat and people noticing but not saying anything about it. What does that say about me? Do I want or need to be around people who are even remotely bothered about the size I am? I suppose the bottom line is that I need to accept myself and not worry about other people but not being able to do that is probably what got me here in the first place – sigh!