I haven’t written for a little while because I’ve been trying not to think about things and, of course, writing about something is the most thinking about a thing you can do. Except it can help me organise my thoughts, re-group, focus my intentions again so today it is right for me to write again.
Things are going ok: I still haven’t weighed myself and I’m getting much better at telling those horrible negative voices in my head to shut up, that I’m fine the way I am, I’m not going to wake up tomorrow the size of a house and not be able to fit into my clothes. I suppose I am going “with the flow” though I don’t really like that expression. Another expression I don’t like is “it is what it is” which seems to mean very little but that’s an aside.
At the moment it all feels manageable, I feel able to push this into the corners of my mind and come out fighting when I need to. I am not dwelling, ruminating on it, observing what I am eating without censure (well not too much). In short I am trying to live a normal life. It feels like another step forward but as I have written before I am hesitant to take anything for granted, to think I am on the right road, as when I have done this before I have found myself back at the beginning or even further back than that.
Today I look good and feel good: a favourite song came on the radio and I sang (very loudly and very badly – I’m just being honest when I say I have a dreadful voice)and danced. Today feels ok, hopefully tomorrow will too.
I’m having a bad day. I understand what I am trying to do but today I am feeling FAT! Yes I know you can’t feel fat, but I feel out of control. Not I have been sitting around eating bags of crisps, bars of chocolate, fizzy drinks etc but I suppose I feel out of control because I’m not focussing on everything I am eating, working out the calorie/fat content, and worst of all I don’t know how much I weigh!
For years my mood would be dictated by the numbers that appeared on the scales first thing in the morning: a lower than expected number would lighten my mood and a leap upwards would let my inner critic run riot inside my head. After a little while I would consider reasons why my weight might have gone up (eating late for example) and my mood would improve. How much of my life was dictated by a swing of a few pounds one way or another! Now I am trying to take that out of my life but without it I feel rudderless. I think my weight, dieting, my size, has occupied so much of my life for so long that it feels like there is something missing without it. I am eating what my body wants, when it wants it, but I am so used to denying myself, living by dieting rules, that I don’t know how to be in this new state.
I need to persevere but I am really struggling. My clothes feel tight, I don’t feel right, how long will this go on for?
I have found it hard to focus on what I am eating whilst I am eating it. I find it quite easy to think about what I want to eat, do I want savoury or sweet, hot or cold etc but slowing down my eating, thinking about how the food feels, being aware of feelings of fullness I have found much more difficult. I think it’s because food has been so many more things in my life other than simply nutrition, fuel, something to keep my body going.
I know the theory: sit at the table, look at my food, smell my food, chew slowly, consider how it feels whilst I am chewing it, how does it taste, but I find it really hard to do that. I have a habit of reading whilst I am eating so simply being with the food feels alien. I can do things like put down the food between bites, take my time but it still feels like something I am doing without really being engaged with it. I don’t know why I am struggling with this so much: I want to make it better and know this is a step I have to take so I suppose that I am trying to bypass it and go straight to “normal eater” state whilst knowing I can’t do that.
Perhaps this is just another way in which I try to sabotage this process, allow myself to drift back to the yoyo habits that have occupied so much of my life. I need to work harder at this.