I’ve realised that for years and years I have been afraid of food. Food would call to me when it was in the fridge, in the cupboard, or somewhere else, hidden, out of sight. I knew it was there, it kept reminding me and it was only a matter of time before I went to the place, took the food out and ate it. It didn’t matter if I was hungry, the only way to get away from thinking about the food, remembering the food, knowing the food was there and that at some stage I would eat the food, was to eat it. Of course, not longer after I had eaten this food I would feel compelled to buy more and go around the loop all over again. The food was in charge and I was just a slave to it. I understood the theory of not banning any sort of food, not being on a diet, but my sad reality was that some sorts of food were dangerous,I couldn’t be trusted around them. They needed to be kept out of my house, my eye sight, my imagination. I couldn’t control myself around these foods.
I was thinking all this today when I was preparing dinner in the kitchen and how much my thinking and actions have changed. These foods are in my kitchen, they are in my cupboards but I no longer feel I have to eat them. The chocolate basket has remained untouched by me for over 4 weeks, the crisps in the cupboard remain clipped from the last time I ate them and I don’t remember when that was. I am in charge.
I went for a drink at a friend’s house the other day and she produced a bowl of crisps to have with our wine. I felt challenged (not afraid but aware of my “crisp” history) but I managed to have a few without feeling the need to eat them all. I enjoyed them but that didn’t make me come home and finish the ones nestling in my cupboard. They were just snacks, something to be eaten with wine, and they had no power over me. Like I said, I am in charge.