So I feel like I’ve gone back to the beginning (again): all these weeks of writing and I am starting again. I know what I am going to do so I am going to document my steps and see how I get on.
The first thing I must do is eat mindfully. You keep hearing that word, don’t you? But basically I need to eat what I like but be aware of what I am eating. I am not going to go back to the old diet/binge cycle because there is no dieting in the future, I just need to learn to relax around food, not restrict what I eat but be aware of what I want to eat, how much of it I want, really taste the food and if I want more, have more.
A big part of eating mindfully to me is eating slowly. I think I have always eaten my meals at 100 miles an hour, usually finishing before most people are half way through. Why? Well one reason I can think of is that I came from a big family and food always seemed to be the way I felt loved so having seconds meant I was loved more! I think it’s quite common the food = love thing: I’m sure I’ve done it with my own children. I haven’t got time to spend with you but have this cake/bar of chocolate/home-cooked meal instead. Food has been so tied up with my emotions for so long that it’s hard to separate them.
The sad thing is that eating quickly meant I didn’t really taste the food and, of course, when I was finished with this super-quick eating I had more time to shout at myself for being so weak in the first place. But no more. I’ve never been a huge chocolate eater but I did want to eat it when I first felt determined enough to give up dieting. For the first few weeks it was a huge draw: I knew it was in the cupboard and I had to eat it, I had some every day. Then I realised that one of the reasons I was eating it was because my husband does have a sweet tooth and even though I bought bars I liked it didn’t stop him eating them so I felt like I had to eat them first. So then I decided to move my stash to another cupboard so I know they are there, I know they are mine, so I don’t have to eat them all and eat them quickly. Result? I haven’t had any for the best part of a week, in fact I can’t remember when I last did eat some, but when I did I really enjoyed it, it felt good. Sounds almost normal, doesn’t it?