All this time I have been thinking about how I look, how other people are judging me on the size and proportions of my body. Of course I realise that most people have at least 1,000,000 other things to do that are more important to them but being fixated on the way I appeared to the world and so quick to make these judgments about others I assumed this was what was important. I would look at people in the street and constantly be asking myself “is that what I look like?”. I didn’t know how I appeared physically to other people and couldn’t trust my feelings about my body because that, along with my appetite, had been drowned in a sea of dieting dogma and images of “ideal” women in the media. I didn’t know what I was, how I felt, or what I looked like.
But in the midst of making sense of all this, finding my place in world, knowing who I was, a small thought was growing in my head and now I can see that thought and understand how true it is. That thought it how much better I have been feeling. I think I’ve written before about having a number of health issues and they remain lurking in the background of my mind but since I have fully adopted this way of eating I have been sleeping better (for the first time since I had children 30 years ago), my stomach feels better, it seems to like the food I am eating and though I can’t do as much as I would like to do because of other issues, my day-to-day functioning in life seems better. I am busy and I am coping. I feel that I have taken a small step towards accepting myself as I am and by eating this way, by stepping away from the dieting madness, that I am finally starting to know who I am.